Thursday, November 29, 2012

You Don't Have to Call Me Darlin', Darlin'

Dear Coworkers, Contractors, Vendors and Other Interested Parties Who Possess a “Y” Chromosome:

There seems to be some confusion regarding how you should address me.  Recent monikers have included: “honey”, “baby”, “sweets” and *ahem* “love”.

At this time, I’d like to note that my name is Leigh Anne.  I’ll also gladly answer to Leigh, L.A. and LAB (which is what my family & close friends call me).  Did you notice that none of the aforementioned names to which I’ll respond include “honey”, “baby”, “sweets” and *ahem* “love”?  No?  Let me break it down for you.

Below is a quick questionnaire that will assist you in determining the proper name to use when addressing me.  Give yourself 1 point for each “yes” answer.  The higher the score, the more appropriate it is for you to use the endearment of your choice when speaking with me.
  1. Are you related to me?
  2. Do you share a bank account with me?
  3. Have you seen me naked as an adult? Give yourself 2 points if your answer is yes…and you liked it.
  4. Did you walk me down the aisle at my wedding?
  5. Have I ever asked you if “my ass looks big in this”?
  6. Did you pay for my college education?
  7. Have you known me for 40+ years?
  8. Do you routinely wake up in bed next to me?
  9. Have you ever walked my dogs?
  10. Do the words “I love you” routinely occur in your conversations with me?

Now calculate the number of “yes” answers to find your total.  I bet it’s zero. Although more blog readers than I’d like to admit can probably answer the first part of #3 in the affirmative. *ahem* again.

Do you get my point?  If you’re not my father, brother or husband…I’m not your “honey”, “baby”, “sweets” or  “love”. 

I know what you're thinking:  Gosh, Babe LAB, why don't these rules apply to women? Because it's not skeevy when another woman calls me "honey", you moron.   Guess that makes me a Sapphic Sexist.  Deal with it. 

I know it may have rocked your world a bit to hear that ladies don't get all weak-kneed when you call us "Darlin".  I think I hear your paradigms shifting.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  When you call me "baby", I assume a) you can't remember my name and you're too afraid to just ask me to remind you what it is, and b) you're a douchebag sleazeball.  Not necessarily in that order.  In other news...MY EYES ARE UP HERE, MISTER!  But that's a lesson for another day.