Monday, April 29, 2013

Perfect storm of drinking

I didn't intend for last weekend to be a drunk fest.  I really didn't!  But Jeff was out of town (ingredient #1 for perfect storm of drinking) and I had a couple of early-in-the-day liquid lunches arranged (ingredient #2 for perfect storm of drinking), so last weekend was basically Booze-Mageddon.  With extra lime.

I literally had 2 non-alcoholic drinks over the entire weekend.  A Diet Coke when I woke up Saturday morning and a Diet Coke when I woke up Sunday morning.  Every drop that I drank for the remainder of both days contained alcohol.  "Paging LAB, your ride to Passages is now available".

I had to set my alarm both days to get up and meet people to drink.  Kind of like the Spring Game of drinking, as a tune-up for football season.

I should point out that at no time over the weekend was I drunk.  I've been drunk once this year (thanks to my brother and free rounds of drinks from the manager at Dos Copas) and once in 2012 (thanks to former high school classmates).  Other than that?  I've really enjoyed my adult beverages, but I'm not particularly concerned about it.  May be it's denial.  Jeff promises to let me know when he's concerned.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some very intelligent conversations from while I was with my enabler brother on Saturday:

LAB:  "Stop referring to me as 'bitch'"
Scott:  "It's OK.  It's a term, not a phrase."
LAB:  ??????

Scott:  "It's getting cold out here. Let's go inside and drink and watch Archer."
LAB:  "And you wonder why you're still single."

Scott:  "Is that the same shirt you wore last weekend?"
LAB:  "Yep. Apparently I have a drinking jersey."

Scott: "I see you failed to score us a hot waitress.  Again."

Sunday with my pal Molly featured free drinks (thanks Gabriel the bartender!) and some of the worst jokes ever told.  Here's a sample:

Bartender:  So this mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Sorry, man, you can't come in".  The mushroom replies "Why not?  I'm a fungi.".

Get it? guy?  Oh, never mind.

Molly:  What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind before he hits the windshield of a car?   His ass.

Bah dum dum.

LAB:  So this string walks into a bar and the bartender says "Sorry, man, we don't serve your kind here."  So the string goes outside, jumps up and down and twists himself around.  Then he goes back into the bar.  The bartender says "Aren't you that string that was just in here?"  The string replies "Nope.  I'm a frayed knot."

Oh, come on people.  A frayed knot...Afraid not?  I'm hearing crickets around here.

Before we left the bar (and after multiple rounds of drinks), I had to break out the big guns.

LAB:  What's the plural of y'all???  ALL Y'ALL!!!

And that, my friends, is the point at which the bartender realized his error in giving us free drinks.  Well that and when Molly ordered "A martini so dirty that it's a whore".

Good times.

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