Over the weekend, I received some feedback from my pal Hoss that posting any ridiculous bullshit on my blog was better than posting nothing at all. And so, without further delay, I give you any ridiculous bullshit.
Between our work and travel schedules, Jeff and I have seen very little of each other for the past 8 weeks. Substantial stretches of time apart, by the way, is the secret to our successful marriage. Last weekend we finally had a couple of days together, and I used all 48 hours of it to generally bug the shit out of him. Because I can’t stop myself, no matter how hard I try. This morning he was practically giddy to see me almost ready to leave for work. Until we had this exchange:
LAB: Is this outfit too matchy?
Jeff: What the hell does “too matchy” mean?
LAB: Does it look like I’m trying too hard?
Jeff: What the hell does “trying too hard” mean?
LAB: You know. Does it look like it’s overly coordinated?
Jeff: Oh, Jesus. It matches. Does that answer your question?
LAB: I know it matches. Is it too matchy?
Jeff: Blink. Blink.
Jeff: It matches. If you were wearing Garanimals, you’d be hippo and hippo.
LAB: Is that a swipe at my weight?
Jeff: Oh, Jesus.
LAB: You could have said giraffe and giraffe. Or antelope and antelope. But you said hippo.
Jeff: Giraffes and antelopes don’t make noise and therefore can never be used in an analogy involving you. Hippos, on the other hand...
LAB: Fair enough.
Jeff: While we’re talking about it, I think you should rethink those shoes.
LAB: The shoes aren’t in play right now.
Jeff: No, seriously. Where does one buy shoes like that? And why are they so shiny? They look like geriatric stripper shoes. Did you buy them at the geriatric stripper store? I bet they love you there. You should open a store that caters to geriatric strippers and drag queens. You’d totally be in your element.
LAB: I’m not worried about the shoes.
Jeff: You shouldn't be worried about the matchiness of your outfit when you’re sporting Wonder Woman’s metallic slippers on your feet. Trust me. Will you be taking the invisible airplane to work or should I just warm up your car?
LAB: Never mind.