Friday, November 18, 2011

Bitch Burglary

My God, people.  Just when I was finally starting to feel safe & secure in my little town of Buford, GA, the following article appeared in yesterday's local paper:

Holy Shit!  Someone stole a pink rubber bracelet from Spencer's at the mall!  Things will never be the same around here. It's hard-hitting journalistic masterpieces such as this that make me regret leaving the newspaper biz to get into real estate.  I've been following this compelling story very closely.  Here's the additional information I've been able to gather:

In an emergency press briefing, County Police officials released the following statement: “In our continuing investigations, we have uncovered evidence that this may not be an isolated incident.  We believe this heinous crime is part of an ongoing criminal enterprise and encourage retailers and citizens to safeguard all rubber jewelry featuring expletives until further notice.  Citizens are encouraged to remain calm and to consider public safety before reacting.  Spencer’s has informed us that although the ‘bitch’ bracelet remains missing, there are plenty of bracelets inscribed with the word ‘whore’ available as well as a limited supply of  ‘slut’ bracelets.  We have fast-tracked this investigation and will focus all available manpower to identifying a suspect.  Although we are leaving all investigative avenues open, we believe the thief is likely a female high school student, perhaps with Daddy issues, who may possibly be an actual bitch.  Obviously this type of suspect is very dangerous and should not be approached by individual citizens.  If you identify a suspect, please dial 911.”

I'll keep you posted as additional details become available.


  1. l-

    sweet baby cheeses that was some funny shit!

    i am all kinds of snorting here. snorting.


  2. i had an encounter shoplifting in which i chose not to do anything. my friends stole 2 lipsticks (maybe $4 each) in a shop back in early 2000. i was in deep hell, i didnt know how to react coz i was in shock. sometimes its funny, but when you are involved, youll wish you hadnt met your friends at the beginning. im still lucky, coz they change for good, they are both professionals now. but there's no way im going to let that happen again.

  3. Hahahaha How did I not see this? I needed that laugh- thank you!