Tuesday, September 4, 2012

This? Is how you start the football season (except for the loss)!

You might be wondering how I fared for the rest of the evening after 7 hours of tailgating prior to the Auburn game last Saturday.  Just fine, thank you.  The game proved to be less fun than the tailgate (since we lost), but there were certainly some bright spots.

#winning...even when we're losing!

Let me begin by saying that I love me some Clemson fans.  Classy, friendly people both before and after the game.

Except one.

I’d like to introduce you to my new friend, whom I’ll call Blondie.  Based on her attire, I assume she was a Clemson fan, although she pretty much just cheered for whoever was playing offense. Go Team(s)!  Blondie appeared to be shitfaced overserved.  

This picture isn't out of focus.  That's how she really looked.

Blondie was struggling a bit with her wardrobe.  As you can see, her shirt didn't quite meet her skirt.  And the problem was compounded by the split up the back.  Which would have been fine, but she refused to sit down (even when asked), so we spent all evening looking at her plumber's crack.  I see London, I see France...Blondie's got no underpants.  But then it got worse.  She started struggling with the tag in the back of her skirt.  That little tag kicked her ass for 2 straight quarters. She kept trying to tuck it in, but it kept popping back out.  So she did what I'm sure made perfect sense in her mind.  She pulled the entire skirt down to mid-thigh level, and then yanked it back up.  That's right people, she mooned us.  Full-on butt crack just before halftime.  See that nice lady sitting behind her?  She reached back, grabbed my hand and said "Ohhhhhh.  LAWD!"  It was beautiful.  For some reason, her husband appeared to be less offended by it.  You know how you see a traffic accident on the highway, and you don't want to look, but you can't look away?  That's what the remainder of the game was like for us.

Here are a few other nuggets from the game:

I have no explanation for this.

Drunk Guy Quote of the Day: “That Clemson fan was being a dick, so I threw a pom-pom at him to start a fight”.  Because nothing says “I’ve got huevos grandes and I will make you my bitch” like tossing a pom-pom.  I should note that he was also wearing a giant necklace of gold beads with a medallion that said “Chick-fil-A Kickoff Game” while trying to start said fight.  So there’s that.  

Drunk Text of the Day (from a member of my group who got lost in the 75,000+ people in the Dome): "Sitting on bench.  Find me."

Best Quote from a Stranger:  "Ma'am, you don't have to keep coming here and paying me $3.50 for bottles of water.  See that water fountain right next to us?  Use it to refill."  Duh.  I would have figured it out eventually.  But thanks to the pizza vendor who clued me in (after $21 of water).  I was trying to sober up to get us home.

Departure Quote of the Day (from my pal Chappell, who I last saw in person around 1992):  “Today was fun.  See ya in 2032”!  Well played, my friend.

And one final gameday gift, just for ya': Camo hat with bottle opener on the bill, people.  It was going to end up on my head eventually. It was inevitable.  You're welcome.

 Oh, Dear God.  Why?  Why? Why?


  1. "Sitting on bench. Find me."

    Hahahaha .. That's awesome.

    College football games are always a good time.


    1. We actually did find her. Eventually. She has 3 kids, so she knows the "stay where you are when you're lost" rule. Thank God.

  2. twas my wife. can't be more proud.

    1. She was in rare form on Saturday. One for the highlight reel!