Monday, January 28, 2013

Don't make me spray you!

Pretty sure I've mentioned by now that the Freaks Come Out at Night when I'm alone in the office.  On my regular day alone in the office (a day which I'm not going to announce here because I don't trust some of you folks not to drive out here and screw with me), I normally stick a gun in my purse, even though we're technically closed on that day and the door stays locked.

Anyway, the last time I was alone in the office a crazy teenager who stank of alcohol pounded on the door until I opened it (my mistake), then tried to push past me into the building and when I blocked the door with my body, he asked if I had "any candy he could have."  Sorry kid, only Jeff gets my candy these days.  When I finally pushed him out and locked the door, he paced the front porch for 15 minutes  until he finally left.  Nice.

So I've been a bit on edge about being here alone.  Especially on days like today, when my coworker has a sick child and I'm alone all day unexpectedly.  We're open today, so I don't have the option of keeping the door locked.

This morning I went into the ladies' room, and while I was in there I heard someone enter the men's room.  So I came out and waited behind the front desk (to keep the desk between me & my unexpected guest) to see who it was.  And....nothing.  The men's room door was closed and nobody came out.  Ever.  Now I was completely skeeved out, even thought it could have just been the FedEx guy or a legitimate customer.

I went back to my office and grabbed a panic button and a bottle of mace from my desk.  Although I'm not quite sure what good the stupid panic buttons do around here.  They don't prevent anything from happening, they just call the alarm company in God knows where USA and have them notify the police to come find my dead body.  So my hopes were really hung on the mace at this point.

Armed with my mace,  I made a quick pass through the back offices and then headed to the men's room.  I knocked lightly on the door, no response, then harder, no response, then I tried the handle. The door opened and the men's room was empty.  PHEW!  Another crisis resolved.  I really need to quit watching scary movies at night.

I headed back to my desk, mace in hand, to resume working.  That's when I looked down in my hand, and noticed that instead of mace I had grabbed a travel size can of Static Guard.  I was protecting my life with damn fresh scent static eliminator.

Only one of these things can save your life.

Guess I need to rethink my threatening speech:  "STOP!  Or I'll smooth your flyaway hair!" That should keep the bad guys at bay.  I feel safer already.

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